A member of our family is British- a charming chap, who, in addition to being a great cook, can fix, organize, or explain just about anything.  So,  when such a brilliant fellow leaves behind a wee jar  of his favorite condiment, doesn’t it behoove one to sample a spot of it? That’s how I behoove-ably came spoon tip to tongue tip with an intriguing substance called Marmite.

According to the fine print on its little brown jar, Marmite is made of “yeast extract, salt, carrot and onion extract, spice extracts” and a few vitamins. It has none of the ingredients so demonized by the colon-cleansing set like high fructose corn syrup and transfats. Sounds sort of healthy and tangy, right? What could be bad?
I’ve learned to savor hot chile salsa for breakfast and grew up loving my Bubbe’s stuffed kishke, charred onion and chicken fat spread, and boiled cow’s tongue – with a glob of chopped liver and a hunk of gefilte fish for special occasions. So downing a schmear of Marmite should be a piece of cake.  Only Marmite’s not cake. Not even close. Not even in the same galaxy as cake!
Marmite has a curiously pungent taste-at once sharp, bitter, medicinal, herbal, and whattheheck?!- A taste that raises  concerns that the dark, sticky, nearly solid gel in the jar has passed its “Best By” date by decades, maybe even centuries! The label bears the ominous warning, “Spread thinly.”  Distinctly unnerving. In a world where food companies constantly urge you to consume as much of their product as quickly as possible, one small jar of Marmite could easily last until the Patriots stop fumbling the play-offs and win another Super Bowl victory.
The. Marmite label has no merry cartoon figures, no super athletes, or rosy cheeked tots gobbling the stuff down.  There are no cozy recipes  that mingle a dollop of Marmite with canned  cream of mushroom soup, leftover meat bits, Velveeta cheese, and bread crumbs for a Marmite Country Kitchen Casserole.
There is, however, a serving suggestion and I quote,”…for a treat, try Marmite on a crispbread with cottage cheese. ” Does “treat” have some weird alternative meaning in British-speak like “bonnet” or “lift?”  Across the pond, could “treat” mean “hold your nose, grit your teeth, and down stuff like kale and quinoa and Marmite in order to achieve the Boomer dream of everlasting wellness and high testosterone levels”?

Having no crispbread in the cupboard, I spread Marmite (thinly) on rice cakes. A word about rice cakes…Rice cakes, as every two-bit improv wannabee will tell you with a smirk, look and taste like Styrofoam.
Once, while eating plain rice cakes in a break room, I was approached by a co-worker trying to be snidely “helpful.”
“You know, ” she confided, “rice cakes come in chocolate, too.”
When I told her that I was allergic to chocolate, her “caring” facade dropped away like boxes of Wheaties from the gluten-free shelf and she declared emphatically, “I’d rather be dead!”
I left that break room with its blackened guacamole, week-old birthday cupcakes, soggy chips, and dubious dip, and never went back.
Rice cakes bring out everyone’s I’m-so-clever- cute-and-funny side.  Another family member, born in the USA, commented that,”Eating Marmite on rice cakes is the exact opposite of putting lipstick on a pig.”
Now I know  I could get all passionate and Google-up a whole gooey bowl full of Marmite factoids: “Marmite has played a key role in English history since the British Isles were a mere chip off the old tectonic plate.” (I made that one up, but if Wikipedia wants it, jolly good!”)

If you care to delve deeper into Marmite’s viscous depths, delve  away , while I swing over to a hot topic in ABQ- Denver’s pre-game Super Bowl chile gaffe that got the cold shoulder from NM. It seems that as part of the media-marketing  Super Bowl frenzy, Denver’s mayor made a bet with Seattle’s mayor that involved signature local foods like Seattle’s salmon and Denver’s green “chili.”  Denver’s what?!  An irate article in  The ABQ Journal (“Seeing  Red Over Denver’s Green Chile Wager” by “Upfront” columnist Joline  Gutierrez Krueger accused Denver of chile “fraud ” and bad spelling. (BTW, it’s NM’s “chile” and not a CO’s ” chili.”)
So, Denver, get your Rocky Mountain (legal) high from some other state’s official vegetable.

You’ve already got Welker, so how about some Boston baked beans!

Marmite and green chile –  DON’T  try this at home!