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[Lessons From The TV People] Battle Of the Network Stars

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Posted by :Mandy Ratliff On : January 31, 2014
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My new pastime is diving into the U-verse and finding random shows to watch. Like one day last week when I found ESPN Classic showing old Battle Of the Network Stars. Don’t know BOTNS? Cheryl Ladd & Kristy McNicholIt was a special where teams of actors from the big three networks competed in sporting events like three-on-three football, swimming relays, etc. Did you catch that I said “big three”? Yeah, that’s how long ago these shows aired: it was before FOX was a network. Just think, there are people who can legally drink alcohol who were not alive when FOX wasn’t a broadcast network. Sad for them because Battle Of the Network Stars was awesome. I believe I saw it listed, said, “Oh shit! Battle Of the Network Stars!” and turned the channel then proceeded to describe to my mother on the phone that Barbara Mandrell just passed the baton to Randi Oakes during the relay race.

So you guys thought that star competition shows were a recent thing? Oh no, my children. Instead of competing in the foxtrot and samba for a trophy, Battle Of the Network Stars was a competition for points that lead to cash and bragging rights. And they got into it, too. Someone like Erin Gray from Buck Rogers would interview them about their strategies and they would tell her! Scott Baio would explain why he started his kayak relay with Charlene Tilton and not be sarcastic. Yes, each network team had a captain. For instance, one of the episodes I saw had Gabe Kaplan heading up NBC, Scott Baio leading ABC and Pernell Roberts captaining CBS. Pernell Roberts? Yeah, of Trapper John, MD, the drama spin-off of MASH. I didn’t have to look that up either. Ladies and Gentlemen, this is the stuff that lives in my head.

Pernell RobertsSide note about Pernell Roberts: when I was a little, little kid, I made up a new Peanuts character named Pernell Roberts. She was a girl. I had no idea that there was an actor with that name. I must have heard it on tv and subconsciously stored it away. For the record, Pernell was going to be Charlie Brown’s girlfriend.

That’s one of the joys of seeing Battle Of the Network Stars again: it’s an endless parade of “Oh yeah! That person!” And a sprinkling of people that I don’t have any recollection of who they are. Sorry guy from Flamingo Road!

But I haven’t told you the truly amazing part of BOTNS yet. My friends, Howard Cosell hosted it! He also took it seriously. With all his gravitas, he would do play-by-plays of each event. “And it’s Ann Jillian up next for N.  B.  C. Ann has selected James B. Sikking to be the dunkee in the Base. Ball. Dunk. Oh! And it’s a dunk! James. B. Sikking. Is in the water. Ann Jillian is one. For. One.” So, so wonderful.Howard Cosell

A little history about BOTNS: it ran from regularly from 1976 to 1985 (there apparently was one in 1988 as well), resulting in 19 two-hour(!) episodes. Each competition culminated in a Tug-o-War between the top two teams. Lots of headbands, feathered hair and short shorts ferociously battling for Number One. Can’t get any better than that. I encourage you all to check out the Wikipedia page about it. It lists ALL of the teams and captains for each episode. It will get you reacquainted with people like Danielle Brisbois.

But be aware that it may lead you down the dark path of looking up Circus Of the Stars.

[Lessons From The TV People] Dr. Oz

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Posted by :Mandy Ratliff On : January 17, 2014
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You guys! This happened:

Dr. Oz & Cameron Diaz & Poop

Yes, that’s Dr. Oz, Cameron Diaz and a display of seven shapes of poop. I picked the best day to be sick.

Diaz was on Dr. Oz’s show to promote her book, The Body Book. Since she is a Hollywood actress, Diaz is required by California law to write a book about her health routine. She appeared on Dr. Oz to go over four simple changes to make today to have a better body tomorrow. They are:

  • First thing in the morning, Diaz brushes her teeth and chugs about a liter of water
  • This wakes up her digestive system and helps her poo in the morning (this is where Dr. Oz high-fives her for being open about discussing pooping. Then he unveils the seven poo shapes. It’s a scale from One to Diarrhea. You want a Number 4, by the way.  It should not make a plunk sound; rather it should slip into the bowl like “an Olympic diver going into the water”, says Oz. But I should specify you want Greg Louganis’s usual gold winning dives and not the one where he hit his head on the diving board. That means you need more fiber.)
  • She exercises as she gets dressed. She explains that this is her way of making everyday routines into physical activities. I can’t wait to burn calories by shaking that cereal box every morning!
  • Finally, she says to “feed your hunger. Not fear it.” I fear I’m feeding it too much but OK.

After Cameron Diaz and the Seven Stages Of Excrement segment, Dr. Oz talks about a new sugar alternative, coconut palm sugar. This leads to the most important thing I learned during Wednesday’s sick day TV watching:

Dr. Oz loves illustrative props.

He had balls on giant rubber bands to show dips in blood sugar. During a segment on macha tea, he and the guest did a routine where both tried to walk through a door at the same time (something about fat not being passed through the body). Then Oz and the Assistant Of the Day rode scooters through a “blood vessel” that got increasingly clogged each time they tried to pass through.

Let’s take a minute to talk about the Assistant Of the Day. A “lucky” audience member is chosen at random. This person jumps up, screams and runs down to hug Oz. She even squeals when asked to put on the purple gloves even though she knows she will have to touch a human organ of some kind. This is an honor apparently.

Oh man, I almost forgot about the ultimate audience participation from this episode: Oz told them to use clay to shape into their last poo. AND THEY DID. Some were even excited to share it on camera.

Seriously. This wasn’t a cold medicine induced hallucination. It really happened.

 

[Lessons From The TV People] American Horror Story: Coven

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Posted by :Mandy Ratliff On : January 3, 2014
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Lesson learned? American Horror Story: Coven is bat-shit crazy.

Warning: SPOILERS. Because I need to give you examples of the extreme, delicious insanity that is this show.

This is the first season of American Horror Story that I’ve watched. Many people have recommended it to me in the past when I was sans cable. Now that I’ve been u-versed, I decided to pack away the first half of this season on my DVR to enjoy at a convenient time. That time happened to be the post-Christmas/pre-New Year days. I decided to watch the first nine episodes while I wolfed down the remainder of the Christmas cookies in the anticipation of not making a resolution but deep down telling myself that I would cut down on sweets although I know I will return to work and there will be See’s candies mocking me. Well, I soon realized that eating and watching Coven would not mix too well. It’s a basic cable show but there is some good ole voodoo and zombies and sex-induced hemorrhaging.  Yep. The first episode begins with a girl killing her boyfriend because sex with her causes brain hemorrhages. Roll credits!

Let’s take a moment to talk about Coven’s opening credits. They are unsettling. Quick cuts of black and white footage of black robed bedecked witches and voodoo stuff set to a Nine Inch Nailsy score. That won’t permeate my dreams at all!

Taissa Farmiga is the Girl With The Deadly Vagina who is told she is a witch and is taken away to a “School for Girls” in New Orleans. Her fellow students include Jamie Brewer as clairvoyant, Emma Roberts as the Lindsay Lohan-esque movie star with telekinesis and Gabourey Sidibey as a human voodoo doll. She can inflict pain and death on others by inflicting it on herself. This is where one wonders (one being me), “What would I like my witchy power to be?” Reading minds would be quite distracting and inflicting pain on myself is a no-no because I have trouble removing a band-aid. So yeah, moving stuff with my mind would be the way to go. Why get up for snacks?

The Jessica LangeThe school is run by Cordelia (Sarah Paulson) until her mother comes back to town. Fiona is the Supreme of this coven. Meaning she is the leader and the most powerful witch. So she can only be played by the awesome Jessica Lange. Remember when Jessica Lange was Dwan in the 1976 King Kong? She was awful. And then later she became a very respected actress and won some Academy Awards. Now she’s getting noms and awards for enjoying the hell out of herself while being kick ass on American Horror Story. I feel I should go to the store and get the ingredients for a martini, come back, make it and toast to her career. Watching her makes me happy.

In fact, let’s take another moment from trying to explain the nuttiness of this show to talk about what really makes me happy about it. Yeah, the stories are out there and fun and gory and shocking but on the flipside it’s also a show that employs a lot of actresses, half of which are over the age of 40. There are two men listed in the opening credits out of nine. That is amazing. OK. Back to the lunacy…

The Angela BassettThe coven and the voodoo tribe have had a truce which Fiona immediately breaks upon her return by digging up an immortal racist from the 1800’s played by Kathy Bates. You see, Bates is/was a horrible, horrible,  terrible, horrible person who tortured her daughters and especially, her slaves. In fact, she sewed the head of a bull on one of them. The newly made Minotaur just happened to be the lover of voodoo queen Marie Laveau played by Angela Bassett. That’s right, bitches, Angela Bassett. Talk about enjoying your job, she seems to revel in this part. How can you not? All of these roles are so juicy. Anyway, Bassett kills Bates’ family and then curses her with immortality and buries her alive. Upon being dug up, Bates goes to live at the school as a “maid” and personal slave to Sidibey. They develop a weird, sort of friendship, although Sidibey does turn Bates back over to Bassett when she jumps the coven ship for voodoo pastures. This leads to Bassett cutting off Bates’ head although she can still talk because she is immortal. Which leads to Sidibey forcing Bates’ disembodied head to watch Roots. RIGHT?!? Are you turning on the tv yet?

I could go on and on. There’s Frances Conroy in her bright red Roseanne Roseanna Danna wig using a melonballer to take out some enemies’ eyeballs. Which are then given to Sarah Paulson after she was blinded by acid being thrown in her face. Oh yeah, this is after Conroy was burned at the stake and resurrected by Lily Rabe, the Stevie Nicks obsessed swamp witch. I KNOW!

I haven’t even mentioned the boy Farmiga met at a party who was killed in a bus accident caused by Roberts and her telekinesis as revenge for the gang rape by his fellow frat brothers.  (This was in the first episode, by the way.) Roberts and Farmiga then go to the morgue, pick the best boy parts and sew him back together and resurrect him. In a later episode, the three of them have an off-screen three-way. With a Frankenstein guy, you say? Yeah and on top of that, Roberts was killed by Fiona by this point and resurrected by Rabe. I guess Killer Cooch doesn’t affect dead people. DID YOU EVER THINK I WOULD TYPE THAT SENTENCE?

I’m sure there’s more but you will have to just tune in to really experience Coven for yourself. I will eat before airtime and then sit back and enjoy the hell out of it. I will say, “What more craziness can they possible do?” and then I will say, “Oh. I guess they can do that. That’s crazy.”

Wait. How have I not told you guys that Patti Lupone is in a few episodes? SHE IS.

 

 

 

 

[Lessons From The TV People] What Are You Hungry For?

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Posted by :Mandy Ratliff On : December 20, 2013
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In his new PBS special, Deepak Chopra would periodically ask the audience, “What are you hungry for?” My answer back to the TV was not what he was looking for. He was saying that we gain weight because we eat to fill a void. So when I said, “Microwave popcorn!” I guess I really should have said, “Confidence!” This isn’t a new concept but Chopra puts his spin on it. A spin that includes lots of bullet points in his presentation. In the age of the Buzzfeed listicle, we need things in bite-size bits. So what are you hungry for? Distilled information!

Chopra begins the program by stating the “outside in” approach to weight loss doesn’t work and you need to observe yourself without judgment to see what is empty inside you. “Observe without judgment.” That’s a tough one. It’s usually the judgment part that says, “Damn. Go on a diet.” He then goes on to say that the power of your emotions can change your body chemistry. Yeah, he even cites some research studies, which I was not expecting. Apparently according to some study that was briefly footnoted at the bottom of the screen, rabbits that were on a high fat diet and were cuddled did not get sick like the non-cuddled ones. Good to know.  Next time there are cupcakes at the office, I’ll ask for a red velvet and a hug.

He does give some practical tips for losing weight. First of all, he says awareness is key. Bullet points!

  • Stop and feel your body (I’m assuming not literally.)
  • Ask: What are you hungry for? (Take a drink!)
  • If you are physically hungry, what is your hunger level?
    • 1 Famished
    • 2-3 Hungry
    • 4-6 Satisfied
    • 7-9 Uncomfortably full
    • 10 Stuffed

(My appetite gauge would look more like this:

  • 1 SO HUNGRY
  • 2 SO FULL)

Besides asking “What Are You Hungry For?” Chopra also emphasized “Going away from the Yucky and towards the Yummy” both in emotion and in food. Yucky emotions are things like fear, depression, hostility, etc. Yummy emotions are things like love, compassion, joy and other things you feel when you look at pictures of baby animals.

As for food, the Yummy ones:

  • Have been recently harvested
  • Have natural or organic ingredients
  • Are freshly prepared
  • Are conventionally prepared
  • Are fresh
  • Are whole foods with minimal processing
  • Do not have GMOs
  • Are easily bullet pointed

Yucky foods are “dead foods” according to Chopra:

  • Frozen
  • Leftover
  • Unnatural
  • Nuked
  • Canned

Otherwise known as FLUNC foods. I can’t help but think that “Leftover” was only put in there to make a good acronym. I fear I’ve become a jaded Pledge Special watcher.

So to go towards the Yummy, Chopra suggests all meals include all of the tastes (Sweet [non-sugar], Sour, Salt [in moderation], Bitter, Pungent and Astringent) and the colors of the rainbow (Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue/Purple, White [I know White isn’t officially in the rainbow but you could argue that it surrounds rainbows. Or not argue it because that would be a weird argument.]). His reason for including all of these at each meal is so that you receive a variety of nutrients and have a satisfying repast. His book, I’m sure, goes into detail on what foods represent which category and how big of a plate you will need.

The third part of the special was more about soul nourishing.  You know, the real hunger. Not the eating-peanut-butter-with-a-spoon-out-of-the-jar hunger. Well, actually we learned those are the same. Anyway, bullet point lists included Mindfulness, Qualities Of the Soul and Getting In Touch With the Source. Lots of food for thought. Get it?!

What else did I learn from What Are You Hungry For? I learned that this is the first special about weight loss and healthy eating that did not mention Omega 3 Fatty Acids or moderate exercise.

I’m in Vegas this week playing roulette. Yes, I realize that game has terrible odds, but all the same I do like the spinning wheel. So while I hypnotize myself and lose money, enjoy this article that was originally posted on www.mandyratliff.com. 

[Lessons From The TV People] Frosty The Snowman

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Posted by :Mandy Ratliff On : December 6, 2013
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“Go ahead.”

“Well…there must have been some…magic…”

“Magic?”

“In that old silk hat we found…for…”

“Take your time.”

“…when we placed it on his head…<sniff>…he began to dance around…<sobs uncontrollably>”

FrostyhatBecause really? Wouldn’t you be a bit terrified of a suddenly sentient snowman? Sure, the button nose is cute and disarming but take a look at the eyes. The soulless, coal black eyes.

And the haunting “Happy Birthday!”

Tonight is the annual airing of Frosty the Snowman and the annual crawling of my skin. The cartoon is based on a song of the same name where the titular character ominously says, “I’ll be back again someday.” He’s a walking, talking snowman who threatens to return. Doesn’t that bother anyone? Plus he’s untrustworthy: he comes to life with full knowledge of the word “thermometer” and that he can melt but he doesn’t know what a traffic light is?  What game are you playing, snowman?

All of this doesn’t faze the children at all. In fact, they clasp hands and dance in a brainwashed circle around him. They don’t run screaming through the snow, thinking that with every step the hungry ice could devour them. Instead, they fall in line behind him in militaristic fashion as he parades them through town much to the citizens’ horror. The cop even yells, “Stop!” frostykids But how can one stop a being with ice in their blood…and brain and heart? Not that you would only be taking on Frosty. The children and woodland creatures all do his bidding. Like how the kids obediently smuggle him out of town on a refrigerated train and wave their free will away. But what do you expect in a town full of children that all look alike? When Frosty kidnaps Karen to the North Pole, I bet no one even noticed.

Here’s what else gnaws at me: we are led to believe that the magician whose hat “made” Frosty is the villain because he wants the hat back. People, he wants to undo the evil! He should be applauded for locking the frozen beast in the greenhouse. Frosty melted! The terror should have been over. Thanks, Santa Claus. Yep. Damned if Santa isn’t under the corncob-pipe spell, too. He reanimates Frosty and takes him to live at the North Pole.

Which means Frosty is still out there. And he’ll back again someday.

Thumpetty. Thump.  Thump.

He’s right behind you.

[Lessons From The TV People] Doctor Who

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Posted by :Mandy Ratliff On : November 22, 2013
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Tomorrow, November 23rd marks the 50th Anniversary of Doctor Who. Confession: I’m not a life long Whovian. When I was little, Doctor Who was that show that aired on PBS with that guy with the scarf that I saw once or twice when I could stay awake for it. I had no clue that he was the fourth guy and not all of them wore scarves.  Now as a nerdy adult, I’m a little more versed in the Who. I’ve watched the hell out of all the Ninth, Tenth and Eleventh Doctors’ episodes since it began again in 2005.  I have learned many a lesson from this British Institution. The major one being that Time Lords are sexy in glasses.  Actually, that one might be exclusive to the tenth Doctor, David Tennant.

Another revelation is that I may not be Doctor Who Companion material.

But I love to travel. I’m open to new things.  I’m not, however, up for being on the brink of death week in and week out. After years of watching this show, I have to wonder how these companions could joyfully skip out of the TARDIS, eager for adventure after the countless end-of-the-world, Daleky, Cybermany fun they have encountered. Wouldn’t you be a little wary after awhile? I would.

One time near death: Whew. Glad we got out of that.

Second time near death: Wow. What a weird coincidence that we were once again almost horribly killed.

Third time near death: You know, I’ve got a nasty headache, Doctor. You go ahead and enjoy that Giant Fire Ant Planet without me.

Conclusion: I would find it all a little too stressful. Not to mention all the sneak-up-behind you creatures like The Silence or Weeping Angels.

The Silence & Weeping Angel(RE: Weeping Angels. I wonder if you could make a request for where they send you when they touch you. For example, “Please, if you can, send me to Victorian London but not as a hooker because, you know, Jack the Rip—” Hmm. You may not be able to get that all in.) Protective gear and one of those bicycle helmets with side mirror would be my standard Companion uniform. I have a feeling The Doctor would take one look at me and say, “Next!”

So here’s to 50 more years of attracting drama and putting innocent people in peril and pontificating to aliens and wearing questionable accessories. I will continue to enjoy your journeys from the safety of my sofa. Unless of course the TARDIS has a sweet screening room with snacks, then I could be persuaded to be in jeopardy once or twice…

[Lessons From The TV People] MasterChef Junior

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Posted by :Mandy Ratliff On : November 8, 2013
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Not going to lie, I love the hell out of MasterChef Junior. Non-cloying kids making amazing dishes?  Who would have thought? Plus they all seem to like each other. None of this petty trash talking like the adult competitors. I have yet to hear “I’m not here to make friends” from anyone. Because they obviously haven’t watched over a thousand hours of reality television like I have to learn this cliché. Sure, they’re competitive but not ugly about it. That will change and I’m sad for their jaded, future selves. But in the meantime, they have the normally harsh and snarky judges being supportive and sweet. No intimidating stares (I’m looking at you, Joe Bastianich) or over the top spoon inspecting (Yeah, Graham Elliot). Instead they always find something positive to say. That’s right, Gordon Ramsay is nurturing! I never found him attractive until he told a crying girl to fill her ramekin only half full to make sure her soufflé cooks all the way. Swoon. It’s the Hot Dad Effect. I once followed a guy and his kid around the Musée d’Orsay in Paris because he was discussing art with her. I was discreet, of course.

 

So in honor of tonight’s finale, let’s take a look at some of the nuggets of wisdom from this first season of MasterChef Junior.

 

  • When life gives you chicken livers, make pâté: Alexander was given chicken livers to cook as a scheme to get him eliminated. Nice try, Troy. Alexander made a pâté on crostini, wowed the judges and made it to the Final Two. So the lesson is to step outside your comfort zone and take a risk. Or the lesson is to be a slightly unnervingly mature cooking prodigy who knows things like pâté and crostini.

 

  • Wear Hawaiian shirts: 10-year-old Jack’s on-camera wardrobe consisted of Hawaiian shirts. And it totally fits his personality. He, on more than one occasion, dropped to his knees when he won a challenge. I fully expect him to be falling to his knees and praising the skies while wearing a Hawaiian shirt when he’s in his sixties. Find and rock your loud printed shirt equivalent.

 

  • There are, in fact, kids named Gavin: it’s true.

 

  • If your plastic bow falls in your face, keep cooking: Dara and her plastic bows, like Jack’s shirts, have set the fashion bar for Season Two. Will suspenders be next? Or wingtips? Just don’t let those jodhpurs distract you from cooking is what I’m saying.

 

  • “These are so not gummy bears” and “Whip it. Whip it like a man!”: The main lesson here is that 8-year-old Sarah who said these things was awesome. I’m sad she was eliminated. The secondary lesson is unbridled enthusiasm. For food. For competition. For gummy bears. Like what you like. Don’t like what you don’t like. And of course, “Don’t. Stop. Whipping!”

 

Season One of MasterChef Junior was so damn charming that I would be over the moon if either Alexander or Dara won tonight. They each deserve it. In fact, I would hire either of them to be my personal chef if it weren’t for child labor laws. The truth is I will be sad when the regular MasterChef comes back and the judges yell again and the competitors are hateful. And not a one is wearing a big plastic bow.