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[Lessons From The TV People] 2014 Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame Induction Ceremony

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Posted by :Mandy Ratliff On : June 6, 2014
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Finally caught up with this HBO special that started airing last weekend. I had DVR’d it to buzz through later but it was on Wednesday night so I stayed up utnil after midnight to watch it all. There were seven inductees: Peter Gabriel, Linda Ronstadt, KISS, Cat Stevens, Hall & Oates, The E Street Band and Nirvana. Here are my observations and lessons learned from this Induction Ceremony:

Want to know why it lasted until after midnight? I blame The E Street Band.  Bruce Springsteen did the inducting (he entered the Hall Of Fame in 1999) and HAD TO SAY AT LEAST 5 MINUTES ON EACH BAND MEMBER. And if you know The E Street Band, you know that there are a lot of 29th Annual Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame Induction Ceremony them. Members include Clarence Clemmons, The Guy From The Sopranos, Bruce’s Wife After Julianne Phillips and Max Weinberg of the Max Weinberg 7. Plus at least ten more. After Bruce’s speech, the band came on stage and ugh, started to give speeches! The producer of the show wisely intercut their speeches with their musical performance. They must have spoken fast in order to get all the speeches in during a song, right? Not if the song was ten minutes long. My big lesson from The E Street Band segment was this: I don’t like long, extended jam-session-y songs. Yes, you are all great musicians but wrap it up, OK? Now it might just be that I’m not a Springsteen kind of gal. I love the song “Born To Run” but I might have to hack my ears off if Bruce and Co. decided that it should be Born To Go On And On And On And Oh Yeah Now We Are Going To Ask You To Sing Along And Clap I CAN’T HEAR YOU.

Chris Martin inducted Peter Gabriel and bless him, he tried to do some schtick. I get the feeling that Martin is that guy who every once in a while says something genuinely funny and people laugh so he thinks he can do schtick at the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame. So it went like this: he read from the “Book Of Genesis” (you know where this is going) and the angel Gabriel spoke to Phil Collins and then made a bunch of bad Phil Collins puns. Yes, a Sussudio reference was in there. Thankfully, he got back on track and eventually Peter Gabriel sang “In Your Eyes” like he should.

The Linda Ronstadt tribute was the first of two segments with awesome women being awesome. EmmyLou Harris, Bonnie Raitt, Sheryl Crow and Stevie Nicks, all rocked out to Ronstadt’s ‘70s Rock&RollHallOfFame Ronstadthits like “It’s So Easy ”, “When Will I Be Loved”, “You’re No Good” and “Blue Bayou”. And even though I’m not really a fan of Carrie Underwood, the fact that she wanted to participate gives her some points. This segment sent me back to being a little girl in Florida and hearing Ronstadt all over the radio. I’m sure my mom had an 8-track, too. I think it was the one where she was on roller skates on the cover. Because…the 70’s.

Tom Morello of Rage Against the Machine feted KISS. He is an unashamed fan of the band and gave an enthusiastic intro to The Demon, The Cat, The Star Child and the other one I can’t remember. The Accountant? Something like that. What was weird about that segment was that they didn’t perform. They said their thank yous and then left. Actually the E Street Band could learn something from KISS. (Side note: remember when Gene Simmons was the villain in the movie Runaway with Tom Selleck and Cynthia Rhodes? Look it up!)

Cat Stevens was also inducted. Art Garfunkel made the speech and made it about him. It was kind of uncomfortable. He even said something like Stevens was lucky that Simon and Garfunkel broke up when they did so Stevens could have success. Not that exactly but man, it sounded like it. Then Stevens made a few remarks before performing. The only thing I kept thinking about during all this was back when the Ayatollah issued a fatwa against Salman Rushdie for writing The Satanic Verses and Stevens who converted to Islam basically said, “Yep, that’s what you get, Rushdie.” I always thought that was weird for a guy known for “Peace Train”.

Hall & Oates! Their video montage before their segment included a clip from Saturday Night Live of Will Forte as Hall and Fred Armison as Oates. Odd. Anyway, Hall berates the Hall Of Fame for not having more Philly acts and then they perform. Man, they had a lot of infectious, singable hits. And lots of hair back in the day. Not much more to say about this.

Nirvana - EMP MuseumThe Ceremony ended with the induction of Nirvana. I love Nirvana and just recently saw the exhibit on them at the EMP Museum in Seattle where, yeah, I took pictures of their instruments. Because it was Dave Grohl’s drum set! While watching the other night, Grohl made me say “Aw Dave, that was sweet” when he acknowledged the previous drummers of Nirvana that came before him. Did you know that he was the fifth drummer of Nirvana? I did because I saw the exhibit. Museums for the win!

Wow, Courtney Love was there, too. She hugged Krist Novoselic and Grohl like they never did go to court over music rights. I do love Hole’s first two albums (especially Live Through This which is a GREAT album and I will not hear otherwise) but Love is looking a little…pulled. I don’t get it. She’s not that much older than me. There’s no need. Why look like Barry Manilow? Sorry that was catty. Because she looked like a cat.

Let me try to redeem myself by talking about the best part of the whole show: the second set of Awesome Ladies. Joan Jett, Kim Gordon of Sonic Youth, Annie Clark AKA St. Vincent and Lorde all came out and sang Nirvana songs with Grohl and Novoselic playing. Damn. Who could ask for more, right? They all rocked it. Jett and Gordon are female rocker legends but I hadn’t seen Annie Clark perform before and I’m a fan. She did an incredible version of “Lithium”. She came out again as well as Jett and Gordon to play on the last song “All Apologies” sung by Lorde. Lorde was wearing a slouchy pink suit and she seemed very self-conscious. Then she closed her eyes and sang and did some “I’m really into it” movements. Then the song ended and she got awkward LFTTVP-HoFNirvanaLadiesagain. So my conclusion: Lorde before and after singing is my spirit animal. Here’s the thing. I’ve made fun of adults (especially guys in their 30s) who like Taylor Swift’s music. Well, I love Lorde. I have her Pure Heroine album and am slowly learning all the words. I first heard “Royals” in an Edinburgh H&M waiting for my friend to try on clothes because the airline lost her luggage. I thought, “Who is this?” Later I found out she was only 17 and I felt a tinge of hypocrisy but that quickly passed when I realized that Lorde’s songs are good and Swift’s are not. Boom! (Hit with your comments.)

Overall, an enjoyable (albeit long, Bruce!) show. Check it out this month on HBO.

[Lessons From The TV People] Grease 2

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Posted by :Mandy Ratliff On : May 23, 2014
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Yes. This is totally cheating. Grease 2 is not a tv show but….it aired on TV this week and I love the hell out of it. You heard me. I am unabashedly a fan of Grease 2.  Sure it has dopey songs like Reproduction (sample lyric: “Put your pollen tube to work”) and Do It For Our Country (about trying to get laid in a bomb shelter). But it has Prowlin’ (“Walk, talk like a T-Bird”).  It has Cool Rider! That’s its beauty. There are silly songs and cheesy choreography but it also has wonderfully silly songs and fantastically cheesy choreography. Also, this:

Grease2PinkLadiesThe Pink Lady Pledge:

To act cool

To look cool

And to be cool

‘Til death do us part

Think Pink!

Think pink, y’all.

Short synopsis: Michael is Sandy’s cousin from England (Sandy being Olivia Newton-John from Grease) and he falls for the Pink Lady leader, Stephanie Zinnone. She wants a “cool rider” so Michael learns to ride a motorcycle and become a cool, mysterious biker. Stephanie falls madly for him but doesn’t know it’s actually Michael! When this cool enigma on wheels shows up, the cast sings:

Who’s that guy?

The man on the cycle.

What would they say if they knew it was Michael?

Grease2MichaelAsCoolRider

They would say, “Hey, it’s Michael” because IT IS SO OBVIOUSLY HIM.

But Steph goes for a ride on his bike with him. Kisses him. But still doesn’t know who he is all because he keeps his helmet and goggles on. He even knows there’s a talent show at Rydell High. This gives her a moment’s pause but then goes on with her life. Will the truth ever be uncovered?

I won’t ruin it but-spoiler!-there’s a happy ending where everyone sings at a luau.

That’s not everything. Besides the two-year progress from racing cars in Grease to riding motorcycles, these Pink Ladies and T-Birds don’t go to soda shops or drive-ins. No, they bowl!  They do. There’s even a song where the cast sings, “Let’s bowl. Let’s bowl. Let’s rock ‘n’ roll.” and “We’re gonna score tonight! We’re gonna scor-or-ore to-ni-ight!” And there’s dancing with not real bowling balls.

Speaking of dancing: one time back in Chicago, some fellow Planet Hollywood servers and I watched this movie and tried to learn the Cool Rider choreography. Yes, I’m making the embarrassing confession that I used to work at Planet Hollywood. That also happened to be the same night that we watched some horror movie where a possessed woman sticks a lipstick into her nipple. We did not try to emulate that.

Grease2CoolRiderNow why go to all the trouble to learn Stephanie Zinnone’s big Cool Rider number? Because Michelle Pfeiffer is awesome in Grease 2. She has the tough girl accent like she’s from New York even though it looks like California. She flips her collar up and wears Capri pants.  She pops gum and replies to the question, “Are you free today?” with “I’m free everyday. It’s in the Constitution.”  I think I’m going as Stephanie Zinnone for Halloween this year.

Since Steph is already taken, other potential Grease 2 costumes could be Lorna Luft as the Marilyn Monroe-esque Pink Lady Paulette, Christopher McDonald as Goose the T-Bird who says “Ert!” (and maybe I do as well but I’m not sure if that is something I should admit…)  or Adrian Zmed as Johnny Nogerelli, pre-Dance Fever. (Side Note: Do you remember Dance Fever? It was a show where three “celebrities” judge amateur disco dancers. So you think So You Think You Can Dance is a new thing? Oh no. And Zmed wasn’t even the first host. The first host was Deney Terrio who sued Dance Fever producer Merv Griffin for sexual harassment. Fun fact!) You could always go as Maxwell Caulfield as either Michael Carrington or the Cool Rider. I think you should go as the “Is he dead?” Heaven Fantasy Sequence Cool Rider who is decked out all in gold and says things to Steph like, “Only you can keep our love alive!” Sad to think he died? See previous luau-singing spoiler.

Have I convinced you that Grease 2 is great? I’m not the only one. A friend said to me yesterday that she may prefer Grease 2 to the original. I said, “You will receive no judgment from me.” So please, check it out for yourself. Then come back here and tell me that I’m insane and now you have no confidence in anything that I deem great. Because it won’t change my mind on this.

Grease 2: You bowl me over.

[Lessons From The TV People] Destination America Channel

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Posted by :Mandy Ratliff On : May 9, 2014
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How did I stumble across the Destination America Channel? Easy. I didn’t know what to report on this week so I searched my abode for dice to roll. You know, so I could roll three times and whatever came up would be the channel that I would watch and write about. Well, not so easy. Apparently, dice are one of those items that you think you have (or just magically appear or come with the apartment like Scotch tape) but this was not the case. I had to improvise. I dug out Star Wars Trivial Pursuit and snapped the batteries back into the R2D2 to get some numbers. Here was my result:

imageimageimage

 

 

 

 

 

Another snag: I do not have a Channel 462. So it bumped up to 465. Cool. I’ll take it. Well, snag #3: I don’t have Channel 465 on my U-Verse plan. It’s a higher tier channel. Which intrigued me. What is it? How does it rate such a prestigious level of cable entertainment? I had to know. The abbreviation on the channel guide is DAM. As in “DAMN! This is quite a channel!” Upon further investigation it turns out DAM stands for Destination America. Must be hour after hour of wholesome fare, peppered with moments on the human condition, set against the backdrop of wheat fields and majestic hills. I go to the website and this is the first thing I see:

image

I’m now really upset that I don’t have this channel. The Thursday night line-up included four episodes of Unsealed: Alien Files (sample episode: “Bedroom Invaders”) followed by Monsters In America with a segment on the Momo (fun fact: a Momo is short for Missouri Monster who is Bigfoot-like…and not very well-traveled).

Alas, I will miss this [must-be] classic television and won’t be able to impart any wisdom that I find there. But I will leave you with some of the very practical and informative tidbits from the Destination America website:

image

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Please someone watch this channel for me!

[Lessons From The TV People] Baggage Battles

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Posted by :Mandy Ratliff On : April 25, 2014
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So I guess the premise of this show is a group of collectible dealers go to unclaimed baggage auctions, bid on stuff and then resell for profits. However, the one episode that I tuned into the other day didn’t have anything to do with baggage. It was a Hollywood movie memorabilia auction. Apparently actor Daniel Roebuck is a big horror movie prop collector but now he’s auctioning it all off. I guess The Fugitive money is starting to run out.

The buyers converge upon Hollywood to get their hands on valuable stuff. Billy has his eye on a life-size C-3PO that he is hoping was used in Star Wars. He also is looking at a genie bottle that BaggageBattlesC3POmay or may not have been from I Dream Of Jeannie. Tracy also wants the genie bottle and there is some stilted trash talk between her and Billy. “The one who gets the bottle is the master” or something silly and foreshadowy as that.

The young guy, Mark, doesn’t know a lot about movies he says but anything classic horror is what he’s after. He finds some old monster models in their original boxes and bids on them. Meanwhile, the married couple, Lawrence & Sally think that the plaster Alfred Hitchcock head is an authentic life mask that Hitchcock used to carry around on his sets in ‘60s and ‘70s. Spoiler: they win it. After the purchase they get an expert to verify its authenticity. Naturally when you meet an expert, you meet them in front of the Psycho house at Universal Studios. Turns out (another spoiler!) it is an authentic life mask and is worth around $3000. They paid $600 for it. Good on them.

Not to spoil all of it but I will: they all get what they want. Oh there was some manufactured drama when they try to outbid each other but ultimately each got their desired item. Yes, Tracy BaggageBattlestGenieBottlewins the I Dream Of Jeannie bottle because Billy conveniently caves too early. Later she gets an I Dream Of Jeannie expert to look at the bottle. He is introduced as a close friend to both Barbara Eden and Larry Hagman. Okay. They meet on a beach where some of the series was filmed. The friend/expert takes a look at the bottle in his tv-ready tracksuit and tells her that the hand-painted bottle was not used on the show. It was done in the ‘80s and is one of 46. How does he know that? Because he is the one who made it! How completely a coincidence! He tells her that she has number 5 in the series and that Larry Hagman has #1. Really? Barbara Eden didn’t get number one? That bugs me for some reason. Tracy ends up getting around $1700 for it because Track Suit Friend signed it for her to up the value. I hope Barbara Eden sold hers.

This brings me to the awkward “skit” that happens at the end of the episode: Tracy “finding” the bottle on the beach, rubbing it and Billy as a genie popping out. He says her wish is his command. “Call me master,” she says. He does an unconvincing “Ugh!” My line reading of “Ugh” had much more passion behind it here in my living room.

Earlier in the episode and before he had to dress as a genie, Billy knocks over a wax figure at the auction and the head is busted so he has to buy it. Not just that one but five others as well because it is a set. Even before bidding on anything, he has to shell out $6,000.  Then he paid $4000 for the giant C-3PO. He takes that to his friend, a movie prop guy, to assess the value. Turns out this C-3PO was not used in Star Wars but is most likely a prototype done around the time when the movie was made. With the restored wax figure and the others plus the C-3PO, he ends up with a $33,500 profit. He is the big winner this episode but also a loser because of the genie thing.

But the biggest loser of the day? Poor Mark. I’m actually pretty pissed for him. He bought the monster models and an old flip movie device for $1025 total. Out in the parking lot, he looks at his stuff. He thinks he can break even on most of it so he’s really banking on the King Kong monster model that’s in the original box. The auction place won’t let you open the boxes because that could damage the integrity of the box. So Mark opens the King Kong box and in it is – can you believe it? – a banana nestled in packing peanuts! He throws the banana against the wall. I don’t blame him. Do you think Daniel Roebuck was intentionally deceitful? If so, that knocks down my respect for him, I have to say. He deserves to be blown up on Lost if that’s the case.

Baggage Battles airs on the Travel Channel and sometimes involves actual baggage.

[Lessons From The TV People] Family Ties

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Posted by :Mandy Ratliff On : April 11, 2014
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What follows is a Sha-La-La-Laaa Stream Of Consciousness piece about a great sitcom from the ‘80s:

Remember Family Ties? The show about two hippies and their three kids, one of whom was a Republican? Of course you do. It came on after Facts Of Life!

FamilyTiesCastRemember the Republican son, Alex P. Keaton? One time he lost his parents money in the stock market. He also took diet pills from his sister’s friend Effie in order to study for his finals. Remember when he overslept and freaked out? A very special episode.

Remember another very special episode where a friend of the family makes a move on daughter Mallory during the Pledge Drive at the dad’s public television station? That was an early episode where the dad Steven hadn’t grown his beard yet. Remember remembering he once didn’t have a beard?

Or yet another very special episode where Uncle Ned comes to visit and he has a drinking problem? Uncle Ned was played by Tom Hanks and he was so desperate for alcohol that he drank some vanilla extract. (Remember remembering this every time you use vanilla extract?) Then FamilyTiesUncleNedAlex tried to stop him because Ned is his hero and Ned hit Alex. And Ned breaks down and cries, “I hit Alex!” (Side note: I used to love Tom Hanks as Uncle Ned and as Kip on Bosom Buddies. Hey, remember a few months ago when Adam Scott and Paul Rudd remade the Bosom Buddies opening credits? And it made you think anything was possible? Remember finding out that Adam Scott was a fan of Survivor and you wanted to talk strategy with him? Oh! Remember when Paul Rudd was on Billy On the Street a few days ago and the host asked strangers in New York if they would have sex with Rudd for a dollar and an older lady said she would do it for free and you realized that’s the person you want to be? Remember when you are down and nothing is going right and you remember that Adam Scott and Paul Rudd are friends in real life and you can imagine everyone laying down their guns and there being peace amongst nations? I’m sure you do.)

Remember Skippy?

Remember when Mallory had that boyfriend Nick who was very Stallone-esque and later did a low budget horror movie called Demon Friend? But then you looked it up and realized it was actually called My Demon Lover and you were proud that you didn’t remember it correctly?

Remember when Alex had two dates to prom and had to change his cummerbund and go back and forth between them? The two dates were Daphne Zuniga and Jami Gertz.  This is what My Demon Lover made room for.

Remember when Alex needed another person for his Quiz Bowl team and got Mallory to do it? And how he quoted My Fair Lady when she knew what SCUBA stood for? She ended up doing very well despite saying things like Strait of Massachusetts in lieu of Magellan because the other team thought she was cute. Alex, on the other hand, got horrific stage fright and passed out.  FamilyTiesQuizBowlRemember how that reminded you of The Brady Bunch episode where almost the same thing happens to Cindy when she was on TV? And how it briefly makes you think about Brady Bunch episodes so you have to work your way back to the original subject?

Remember how Family Ties did a Christmas Carol takeoff with Alex as Scrooge and he ends up buying his presents at a convenience store? (Side note: Michael J. Fox who played Alex likes the band Yaz. At least he did in the ‘80s when that factoid appeared in Bop Magazine.)

Remember when other daughter Jennifer was in a band with Christina Applegate and Rainbow Phoenix? And she once dated Wil Wheaton? Not really but as characters?

Remember when the “hippies with three kids” became “hippies with four kids”? That’s all that will be said about that.

Remember when Alex interviewed at Princeton and he said, “Go Tigers. Beat Yale. I mean that.”? And you think of that whenever Princeton is mentioned? That interview did not go well. He ends up going to Langley College where he meets Ellen, a dancer. Their romance sparked a top 40 hit by Billy and The Beaters.  Remember how you still hate that song? Thank goodness Fox’s and Tracey Pollen’s real life relationship survived that crap.

Your memory must be jogged by now. But one last thing:

Sit, Ubu. Sit. Good dog. Woof!

FamilyTiesUbu

I know you remember that!

 

 

 

 

[Lessons From The TV People] The Walking Dead

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Posted by :Mandy Ratliff On : March 28, 2014
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Q: If you are in a Georgia forest littered with dead leaves and twigs and a zombie takes a step, does it make a sound?

A: Not until it is RIGHT BEHIND YOU.

According to The Walking Dead at least. They are stealthy buggers on that show. One of the many things I’ve gleaned from watching this series from the beginning. Ah yes, The Walking Dead, the show I love to hate or hate that I still watch…not sure which. Anyway, the season finale is this Sunday and throughout the four seasons, I’ve had some questions. For instance…

…why does everyone act like they’re in a foreign land and don’t know where anything is? There has to be some Georgia natives in the group. Don’t they know where they are when they are wandering around? There’s no one like my dad who knows all the routes and highways and towns within a fifty-mile radius of his home? Anyone who lives in the rural South knows ten different ways to get to town. One time I’d like to see someone say, “I know where we are. Head up that road two, three miles and there’s a Sonic.”DarrellCrossbow

Darrell should consider a crossbow alternative. Not practical in the long run.

WHY DIDN’T YOU PICK UP THE BABY IN THE CAR SEAT? I realize it is for dramatic effect for Rick to discover the empty car seat and think his daughter is dead but really? It takes longer to take the baby out of the seat then to just pick it up and run. This will bug me for a while.

After all the bad luck they’ve had while trying to settle down, you would think they would have an emergency meeting point. Like, “If it all goes to hell like it always does, let’s meet at that Sonic.”

MichonneWhy do all the zombies sound the same? They have the same pitched, Looney Tunes Tasmanian devil type snarling. So if Barry White were a zombie, he wouldn’t have a deep, sexy snarl? Lame.

Finally, Michonne, not once but twice, used zombies on leashes to walk with no fear through the herds of the undead. How come she has never mentioned this to anyone? “Hey, you know what helps me? Removing the lower jaw and cutting the arms off of zombies and then dragging them around with me. Their smell camouflages human scent. Thought I’d share that.”

Well, Michonne, at least I got that tidbit. I would definitely use that during the Zombie Apocalypse. And that is my biggest Walking Dead take away: mentally fashioning my undead-fighting look:

Mandy&Zombuddy

For the record, if I had a welding kit handy, I would seriously consider a Belt Of Spikes. You know for the stealthy, sneak-attack zombies that are so prevalent.

[Lessons From The TV People] Wahlburgers

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Posted by :Mandy Ratliff On : March 14, 2014
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Folks, everyone has a reality show somewhere in the Uverse. I’m sure, unbeknownst to me, I have a series called “This Person Watches A Lot Of Television” or something equally catchy.  So you can’t be surprised when I tell you that Mark and Donnie Wahlberg have produced a show centered around their brother’s gourmet hamburger joint, Wahlburgers.

WahlburgersRestaurantNow I’ve only watched one episode (called “5 O’Clock Is Dinnertime”) but I think I can honestly assess the whole series. Basically, the brother, Paul, is the chef at Wahlburgers and his mom, Alma, works there with him. Mark and Donnie are co-owners. In the opening sequence, Donnie and Mark say that Paul is the secret talent of the family but you wouldn’t know it by the amount of shit they give poor Paul. It’s a brothers thing, I guess, but I felt bad for him. Donnie goads him into having a “Sauce Off” with his mom while Mark encourages their childhood friend, Nacho, to campaign Paul to have a burger named after him by holding an impromptu eating contest in order to win favor. This does not work. I’m with Paul: I’m not a fan of Nacho. At one point, he goes back to the kitchen as Paul is working to beg to be Burger of the Month. I immediately said, “Who let him in the kitchen?” even before Poor Paul had a chance to say, “You can’t be back here.”  Later, Donnie shatters Paul’s whole world by revealing that Alma’s famous spaghetti sauce was not handed down generation after generation but was in fact given to her by her coworker at the bank she worked at years ago. He marvels that his whole childhood was a lie. Donnie reminds him that their mother is Irish and not Italian. OK. So maybe I see why it would be fun to taunt Paul a bit.

Hey! Did you know that Donnie is dating Jenny McCarthy? I didn’t either. Thanks, Wahlburgers! Donnie brings her home to Boston to meet Alma. Paul offers to create a Burger of the Month for her. (In your face, Nacho!) He decides to go with a Chicago inspired hot dog burger with lots of condiments. Sounds gross but Jenny sincerely likes it. Oh yeah, another thing I learned: McCarthy is from Chicago.

Are you in suspense? Who won the Sauce Off?!? All the friends and employees of Wahlburgers vote but the final say comes from TheWahlbergsMark. They actually jar their sauces and send them to him in Los Angeles.  And did you know that there is a real Johnny Drama? I never watched Entourage but I didn’t think he was a real dude. One little Wahlburgers has a lot of trivia in it. Like how the Wahlbergs were poor and Alma had to scrap together food for the nine (!) kids. Donnie mentioned Welfare Cheese a few times and also described an English muffin pizza with the aforementioned cheese and boloney. That kind of creativity must have inspired Paul. But not enough to win the Sauce Off! Yep, Alma’s Co-opted Meat Sauce beat Paul’s hands down. Yet another thing the family can give Paul hell about.

[Lessons From The TV People] Animal Mega Moves

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Posted by :Mandy Ratliff On : February 28, 2014
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Do you guys want to learn about transporting Black Rhinos? I didn’t think I wanted to either! But how could I not tune into a show called Animal Mega Moves even after I was disappointed to learn it wasn’t a dance show?

Now I could have taken a whole semester in zoology and not retain a bit but just let the TV teach me something and I’m all ears. (Did you know that a rhinoceros’s ears can move independently from each other? They can swivel in different directions like a satellite dish. Rhino Fact!) It also helped that there was a handsome South African guy named Ed who sported khaki shorts along with that accent.Ed & a Black Rhino

Ed and some other people like vets and rhino specialists are transporting four female Black Rhinos and one male (called a bull – Rhino Fact!) from South Africa to a sanctuary in Zambia. It seems that the Black Rhino populations are diminishing due to asshole poachers who saw off their horns to sell in Asia so this move is part of a seven year program to send 25 rhino to roam free and safe. This show featured the last 5 of the program.

First they identify the five who are going. Then they shoot a huge tranquilizer from a helicopter which was quite uncomfortable to watch. Warning: if you are sensitive to watching frequent tranq-ing of animals, then this is not the show for you. However, once they are done checking their health or taking blood samples or moving them, they do give them an antidote for the tranq to get them back to their feet. Because apparently, if they are down too long it could permanent damage their legs. Rhino Fact!

The Chosen Five are then taken to pens in South Africa for six weeks in order to get acclimated to humans as well as making sure that their temperament is not too aggressive. Because they are tough cookies. I’m paraphrasing the Rhino Specialist. (I think the Rhino Specialist was American but with a twist: “Hello, American American American. South African button on the end!”)

Rhino Fact! They eat “browse” which at first I thought what? Looks to me like they are eating vegetation. We are both right! A browser is like a grazer but with trees and shrubs and not grass. Why did I pay so much attention to browse? Because I liked the way Ed said “browse”.

I wish I could find an image of the CGI rhinos that they used to illustrate their anatomy and the logistics of the transport. At one point, there was a whole cartoon of how they have to load all the crates on the plane with the rhinos facing forward so that when the plane takes off, the rhinos won’t slide into their horns and possibly crush their nasal cavities. When googling CGI Rhino, here’s what I did find, a pic of Spiderman villain The Rhino, pre-visual effects:Paul Giamatti as The Rhino

I might be interested in watching a show where they transported Paul Giamatti. He’s a good actor.

In order to get the rhinos on a plane (new screenplay idea!), they sedate them and then lure them into the pens by waving a flag. No, rhinos are not overly patriotic. They are naturally curious creatures (Rhino Fact!). Once in the pen, they are blindfolded in order to reduce distractions which may cause them to freak out and hurt themselves. Also to reduce injury, they saw the tip off their horns. I know. It made me question my attraction to Ed while he did it. But then he emphasized that it doesn’t hurt them and it’s for their own safety so they don’t get the horns caught in the walls of the pen. OK, Ed, now I won’t question you later when you insert a transmitter in their horn to track them. Because he needs to know if they are near some good browse. (Idea: Chain of vegetarian restaurants called Good Browse.)

Shout out to the Zambian man who rides a bike around the grassy airfield to clear it of roaming animals and rocks!

Once they land in Zambia, they are transported yet again to nearby pens where they will stay for two weeks in order to get acclimated to the site and the local food. Then they release them one by one, beginning with the females and then the bull, into the sanctuary to roam free. Go rhinos!

Other Fun Rhino Facts! ™:

  • One of the females was pregnant. It was difficult to figure out how far along she was due to the fact that once the fetus drops lower into the momma’s body, the thickness of the rhino makes the ultra sounds very fuzzy and vague.  Also, they have a sixteen-month pregnancy. Yeesh.
  • The rhinos’ eyes are on the sides of their head. They have a wide range for their side vision in order to see potential threats but they can’t see directly in front of them. They rely more on their excellent hearing and sense of smell.
  • Their horns are made of keratin like our fingernails.
  • The Black Rhino’s top lip is pointed and acts like an appendage to help break off some that delicious browse.

I’m sure there are more tidbits but I got distracted by Ed helping to lay down a sedated rhino, “1, 2, 3, Yoooeeehhsss. 1, 2, 3, yoooeeehhhss.”

Animal Mega Moves airs on Nat Geo Wild. Apparently, there are episodes about racehorses, elephants and sharks!

[Lessons From The TV People] Winter Olympics Viewing Guide

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Posted by :Mandy Ratliff On : February 14, 2014
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Category: Lessons from the TV People

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We are now a week into the Winter Olympics and here are a few ideas to help boost your involvement with the Games. Ready?

  • Mock the “Ready?” voice prior to the start of the speed skating events. (It’s probably the closest I’ll ever get to a Russian accent. I tend to only be able to do only a word or phrase with accents. Like my Australian accent consists of saying, “Foster’s. Australian For Beer.” and my Scottish accent is “Ewen MacGregor is great.”)
  • Skeleton is insane. Slopestyle is insane. Heck, anything involving a snowboard is insane. Say, “that’s insane!” out loud when watching these events.
  • Yell, “Sweep! Sweep! Sweep! Sweep! Sweep!” while Curling is on. (I enjoy watching Curling. It’s nice to know that there’s still an Olympic event that I could still possibly do.  All you need are good knees and a broom.)Bob Costas v. Matt Lauer
  • Worry about Bob Costas and his diseased eyes. Does anyone know what actually happened? Did he wash his face with the impotable Sochi hotel water? Was this all a plot to take over the broadcast by Matt Lauer? LAUER!!!!!!!
  • Don’t worry about the Costas Infected Eyes’ social media presence. “For those of you wondering why I’m wearing my glasses, I have contracted an infec-“ Boom! Twitter account. “—tion in my right eye.”
  • While watching downhill skiing, be sure to sing, “I like the way you work it, Ted Ligety” to the tune of Blackstreet’s “No Diggity”. This gem is courtesy of my brother. Direct all complaints to him. This is the third Winter Olympics that Ligety is skiing for America. So that’s three times that I’ve sang that every time I hear Ligety’s Ted Ligetyname. Even when that Day-Quil commercial comes on.
  • Sit in judgment of the outfits. Not just the glittery Figure Skating costumes. You expect those. It’s the Norway Men’s Curling Team. Please google them. They’ve been wearing a different pair of whack-a-doodle printed pants for each of their matches. Actually, don’t judge them. Love them.
  • You can, however, sit in judgment of the US’s Opening Ceremony digs. The busy sweaters were not my favorite. When I see ugly American team outfits, I can’t help but think back to Norway Men's Curling Teamwhen I was a little girl and there was a campaign to vote on the top three looks for the (I think?) 1984 Summer Olympics.  I remember filling out a ballot and the outfit I voted for did not win. Now I say to the TV, “Who voted for that?” (Side note: the store I cast my ballot at was a clothing store called Kick In the Pants. The sign had a donkey in jeans kicking. Now that I’ve typed that out I wonder if I made it up.)

I hope these suggestions enhance your enjoyment of the Winter Olympic Games. Please feel free to suggest your own Rocky Horror Picture Show style interactions with the athletes that have worked all their lives for this moment while you watch from your sofa.

Ted Ligety. You’re welcome.